In a funk

I've been in a funk lately. I thought it was just adjusting to being a stay at home mom, which is a big part of it. But also I realized it's about my mom. I really miss her. Lucas is almost the age Thomas was when she died. It's almost unbelievable to me at times that I have 2 other kids she will never get to know and that she only knew Thomas for 4 short months. She would have been a wonderful grandma and very involved. Probably too involved and I would be blogging about that ;) But I really feel like my boys are missing out on so much. They do have other grandparents but it isn't the same. Mike's parents are wonderful, but they also have lots of other grandchildren that they spend more time with. And my dad and his new wife are fine, but not the way my mom would have been. She is great and was excited to be a grandma when they got married, but she never had kids and I don't think she totally gets kids. When we go to their house they can't touch anything and I feel like I have to watch every move they make. It would have never been that way at my mom's. I'm sure most of that is that it's not MY house that I grew up in and I don't feel totally comfortable there yet. They will babysit, but I feel bad asking. My mom would have been knocking down my door to watch them. And I'm sure I would have had a vacation (or night) alone with Mike by now.

My dad has changed too. Really in all good ways, but it makes me sad that my mom never got the benefits of that. I was talking to him on the phone the other day and he told me he took his wife's car out to be washed and filled it with gas. He would have never done that for my mom. They go out to eat and spend lots of time together, like most normal married couples do. But that's all my mom wanted for so long and now someone else has it. But the most important thing is that my dad is truly happy and I'm really happy for him. My dad and I are also a lot closer now, but I still miss him. I talk to him almost daily, which started when my mom died. But right after she died he used to come over every friday and spend the night. Since he got married we are lucky if we see him every month or two. I understand b/c we are all busy but I wish my boys had that close relationship that I had with my grandparents.

When I think about my life and family, things are really great. Just not exactly the way I thought they would be. I think it's almost harder dealing with my mom's death now than right when it happened b/c of the boys. I just never imagined not being able to share this experience with her.

I promise the next post will be more positive :) It felt good to get all of that out. Free therapy ;) Speaking of my dad, we are going to my aunt's for a cookout tonight after the family's annual golf outing. Most of my extended family hasn't met Lucas yet so I'm excited for that. And my aunt lives on a farm so the boys will have a blast.